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When is sexual intercourse rape?

You might as well ask, when is Heaven Hell or when is day night!!  Rape is not sex and sex is not rape, irrespective of what some books and movies would like you to believe!  As a survivor of rape and psychological abuse (now a happily married mother of 2) I can categorically and emphatically state that sexual intercourse is not even distantly related to rape!!

Rape is the violent act of a sick individual.  Sex is (at its worst) the mechanism by which a physical and / or psychological need is met, and (at its best) it is an expression of love, mutual trust and respect – the ultimate union of two people.  Sex is the means by which most children are conceived. 
Sex is Creation.  Rape is Destruction.

The only reason rape is thought about in a “sexual” context at all is because often (but not always!) the weapon utilised to injure another person is a penis!  The truth is that both males and females are raped.  All ages from babies to grandmothers are raped.  All socio-economic groups, ethnicities and sizes are raped.  It is simply NOT TRUE that what you wear, or whether you’re promiscuous or not, has any bearing whatsoever on being selected as a victim.

Things become even murkier when you talk about the so-called “date rape”.  Somehow it is harder to explain that you were raped when you know the person responsible and you voluntarily let him in!  If you don’t have bruises, how do you “prove”  rape?

This is my story: I was 17 years old. I was studying for my final exams to graduate high school.  I was alone at home.  I was wearing a T-shirt and tracksuit pants.  The guy I’d dated a couple of times shows up and I let him in.  I tell him I need to study but he convinces me to “take a break” and sit next to him on the couch for a bit.  I do so.  He knew (because we’d spoken about this before) that I believed my virginity was a gift I could only give once, and therefore wanted to save “it” for my wedding night.  This was simply because I believed that only the man willing to spend the rest of his life with me deserved the gift of my virginity.  I had dreadfully poor self-esteem as well, and I felt that being a virgin was the only thing of value I had to offer a potential life partner.

He put his arm around me and kissed me.  I’d kissed him before and nothing untoward had happened, so I was completely unprepared for what happened next!  I still don’t quite know how he did it but, one second we were both on the couch and the next I was on the floor and he was on top of me.  I must have banged my head when he pulled me off the couch because I remember being stunned and disorientated.  Without getting off me, he pulled down my tracksuit pants and panties with one hand while he held both my wrists above my head with the other.  I remember really wanting to move and cry out, but my muscles refused to obey my silent commands.  I was like a deer caught in headlights – literally petrified. I mean, I was unable to move or even say anything … never mind scream and hit him! It hurt.  It really hurt a lot.

When he was done he walked to the toilet and I just lay there, on the hard laminate wood floor, naked from the waist down, totally unable to grasp what had actually happened.  Eventually I felt I needed to go to the toilet myself … and realised I was bleeding.  I remember saying out loud, “I’m not a virgin any more”.  Mr X shot me a triumphant look. I was in shock. He left.  I felt numb – and remained numb for about 2 years, until it all came flooding back and I became severely depressed!

That would have been bad enough, but my own mother did not believe that I was raped!  She actually called me a slut and sent me to her gynae for a check-up (thank God I didn’t catch anything and didn’t fall pregnant!). He put me on the pill and lectured on the dangers of promiscuity!!  I tried to explain that I wasn’t promiscuous, but he wouldn’t listen to my “excuses”.  I felt violated all over again – first by my rapist, then by my mother and then by her doctor!

Everyone needs to understand that (despite the fact that often the “weapon of choice” is a penis) rape is an act of violence not sex!

Given what you have just read, how will you prepare your children for a world in which rapists exist? 

7 Responses to When is sexual intercourse rape?

  • Oh gosh so sorry you had to go through this but I salute you big time for sharing it so openly because the more people talk about this the more it will raise awareness especially on date rape. I agree with you wholeheartedly that it got nothing to do with what a girl/woman/even grandmother wear…a rape is a rape period! As a mother to a boy I make sure I will raise my son to know that NO means NO not maybe.

    • phoenix says:

      What my experience has taught me is that 99.9% of boys ARE respectful. Before this happened to me I’d dated a guy whom (I later found out) was a drug addict. Even HE respected my wishes! That’s why I’m quite adamant that it’s NOT a matter of “self-control”. Rapists are not interested in “sexual release” per se. They are damaged individuals who want to inflict pain and humiliation on others.

      I totally agree that we need to really spread the word as far and wide as we can for the sake of others who may cross paths with a sick individual! If society starts seeing rape in the same light as murder (because it often DOES kill the spirit of an individual) instead of “sex gone bad”, victims would not be victimised over again by an unsympathetic society and justice system.

      I did not report my abuser because I didn’t think anyone would believe me! :(

  • Karyn says:

    Freezing at times of trauma is our brain’s way of protecting us from the horrors of our experience, and many, many women block out their trauma for many years only to have it flood them and overwhelm them. Peter Levine is an amazing trauma expert and well worth reading, when you have a moment. <3

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